What Happens Emotionally during a Breakup?
“Heartbreak knocks the wind out of you, and the feelings of loss and longing can make getting out of bed a monumental task. Learning to trust and lean in to love again can feel impossible.” – Brene Brown
Emotional and psychological trauma is the result of extraordinarily stressful events that shatter your sense of security and stability, making you feel helpless and inadequate in several ways; this leads to an overwhelming feeling of isolation.
Emotional and psychological trauma can often be caused by:
- One time events such as a violent attack, an accident or an injury.
- Ongoing stress resulting from a demanding job that always keeps you under too much pressure; the strain of battling life-threatening illness; domestic violence; bullying at school; neglect by your loved ones or a breakup
- Commonly overlooked causes such as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (frequently suffered by soldiers), the after-effects of surgery, or even a humiliation at school, at work or in a family setting.
Can a breakup cause mental illness?
Now you know the psychology behind breakups and how your body is being affected by the heartache you’re experiencing, what part do your emotions play? Well, as you know, we’re holistic beings which means that our emotions impact our physical body, and vice versa. Our energetic body is also deeply impacted by intense feelings of loss and pain.
What you are experiencing right now is probably a destructive cocktail of grief, loss and rejection. You can experience rejection even if you were the person who instigated the breakup, or the breakup was quite amicable.
Bereavement and Loss
Emotionally, heartbreak is very much like a bereavement. You’ve lost someone very close to you and this loss can affect you across several different layers. One of the most obvious ones is the physical and practical loss you’re experiencing. You might have considered your ex to be your best friend, and perhaps they were someone you lived with or spent a lot of time with. Now you have to get to grips with the psychology of the dumper and are dealing with living alone or suddenly realising that your normal Friday night date night is being spent alone.
Of course, the physical effects of breakup depend on the way things ended, and what led to your breakup will impact how you’re feeling – but it’s not necessarily given that certain breakup circumstances will lead to specific emotions and reactions. For example, I’ve known people who have broken up with an abusive and toxic person and found that experience less painful than breaking up with someone who treated them kindly. I’ve also found the reverse to be true.
Remember, what you’re feeling is what you’re feeling – there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way when it comes to your emotions. How to get over a traumatic breakup begins with acknowledging and accepting where you are right now.
Romantic relationships and breakups tend to cut into core emotional issues and pain, which is one reason why they can be so devastating. You may find that some of your emotional experiences during a breakup reopen old wounds, which is why the best psychology breakup advice could be that it’s really important for you to understand what you’re experiencing. It also underlines the process of growth and evolution you are currently going through – something that will leave you stronger and wiser through your healing journey.
You and your ex might have had a very physical relationship and enjoyed plenty of hugs, kisses and sex. It’s well-known that loving touch is incredibly healing and positive – it’s been shown for example that babies who are given regular cuddles are healthier and grow better than those that aren’t. It’s also been shown that premature babies who receive ‘skin to skin’ touch in infancy have measurably better health outcomes that can be seen even ten years later!
Losing this loving touch, if it’s been part of your regular experience, can compound your sense of loss, and the feelings of rejection you might be experiencing. This is one reason why self-care is so important right now, as well as getting as much positive social contact via friends and family as you feel able to face.
Missing someone and feeling their loss in practical and physical ways is one aspect of the bereavement type of feelings you are currently experiencing. But another area is the sense of loss that can come from your perception of what has happened and how it impacts your life.
You haven’t only lost the person you love, but also the hopes and dreams you had made with them.
You may also be dealing with a loss of self-image and how you see yourself and your life. If your relationship was very key to your identity, your sense of self-worth and who you see yourself as being, the loss of it can be particularly painful. In some cases, you may have lost the sense of who you are as an individual within the relationship, especially if it was very entwined or intense.
You might not know who you are without the other person. This is something which can feel very frightening, but can also be one of your biggest sources of growth as you recover. Rediscovering just who YOU are can, in time, become one of the most exciting and empowering things that has happened to you.
But don’t worry if you’re not feeling it just yet – it’s more important to explore how you feel and acknowledge those feelings rather than suppressing them. One way to start to heal is to understand, and to realise that it’s ok to feel bereaved – because in a sense you are.
Depression, Anxiety, Obsession and Rumination
Feeling sad and upset when a relationships ends is perfectly natural. You’re experiencing a huge change and that’s difficult for anyone at the best of times. A period of experiencing grief, thinking about your ex and why the relationship ended, and even feeling low regarding your self-worth is very common.
However for some people, this energy can become more intense and the feelings can turn into something that is overwhelming.
This is the stage where you might find yourself compulsively checking your ex’s Facebook feed every day, feel unable to focus at all, and go over and over the breakup to the point where you find it very difficult, if not impossible, to function as you normally would.
If this is your experience, it’s especially important for you to combine the healing frequencies with tackling the obsessive or ruminating thoughts by going completely No Contact with your ex – including looking at their social media or any other form of indirect contact. Indirect contact can include overusing helpful healing methods such as ‘unsent letters’ and emails. Many people advise writing letters or emails and journaling to explain how you feel, and while this can be extremely helpful to get your thoughts ‘out there’ and outside of your energy body, for some people it can be another way to keep in indirect contact. In fact going over and over the same energy via writing and endless dissecting or talking things through with friends can actually keep you stuck.
This doesn’t mean that you should try to never think about, speak about or write about your ex! What it does mean is having an honest conversation with yourself about why you are doing these things. As you progress in your healing one of the core areas for you to connect with is your baseline of ‘normality’ and your balance. This is why HT is so powerful – because it helps you to connect again to what’s ‘you,’ rather than keeping in contact with the energy of your relationship and ex.
Failure is another event that can cause great psychological injury because it affects your confidence and the perception of your goals and abilities. It can easily leave you feeling helpless and totally incapable. This can lead to a build-up of fear which in turn can affect your performance and eventually develop into anxiety. In the end, you may find yourself giving up on most of your goals. The good news is that the frequencies in the Heartbreak Triage give specific attention to each hurt, and healing starts from the core.
Anger and Rage
One of the most difficult emotions to cope with after the end of a relationship is the anger and sometimes rage that you might experience. How you feel will often be closely related to the way things ended, but it’s not uncommon to experience feelings of anger and even hatred for your ex, or even yourself. As we talked about earlier, you are experiencing a cocktail of responses that are intense, and the changes that are happening for you mean that love can quickly turn to feelings of hatred.
Letting yourself feel how you feel in a way that’s safe and that allows you to express yourself is important. As tempting as it might be to tell your ex how angry you are or to berate them and lash out at them, try to find other ways to express your anger.
This is because once the anger has ‘spent’ itself, you don’t want to be left with the physical effects of a breakup such as feelings of embarrassment or shame for your behaviour if you’ve behaved negatively.
Exercise is one way to healthily express anger so it’s wise to get up and moving as much as you feel able to, in addition to listening to the Healing Frequencies.
— Other Healing Frequencies for Emotional Challenges —
As you read through the emotional challenges listed above you will have felt some resonate with you more than others. If this is the case, you can get over a traumatic breakup by listening to the suggested frequencies for each section.
If you are unsure how you’re feeling then it can be very helpful to listen to the Trinity Frequency to help you realign yourself. The Trinity Frequency is best listened to before bed.
Reaching a state of Trinity is where your mind, body and soul are balanced, allowing your innate sense of inner calm to return to the surface. Tune in and listen to this powerful holistic frequency before you go to sleep every night, as it will align your mind, body and energetic body, helping you to become balanced.
We go through extremes of emotion after a breakup. Some people have an experience that is similar to withdrawal from a drug addiction. Life gets very manic all of a sudden. It’s hard to pick one emotion and stick with it. And then there are people who feel the opposite of such intense feelings, they feel as if a heavy curtain has fallen on them, leaving them numb. There are no tears, there is no spark in their eyes and the only thing they are aware of is the sinking feeling of depression. In severe cases, although of course the frequencies and procedures will help a lot, sometimes what is really needed is an emergency intervention to jumpstart the whole process of recovery. At this point a private session with Graham will be able to ‘unpretzel’ you, even if you are resisting any help, and have covered yourself in an impenetrable shell made of your own misery. That shell has to be gently broken so that you can begin to calm down to the stage where you are in a more malleable state of mind, and effective healing can take place.
These private sessions are incredibly powerful and will result in quantum leaps in your healing, personal development and vibrational upgrades making manifestation of romantic relationships that actually work, wealth and abundance in your career, for example, easier and faster.
Our initiation into romantic connections starts with our first crush or relationship during our teens. Often it is that crucial first love and first breakup that sets the tone for the way we pursue and receive love and how we feel about love and life as adults. Find out in our next blog about this breakup hotspot and how it affects our self-esteem as grownups.