“It’s because the door hasn’t been closed yet that the nightmares still find their way in.”
― Joyce Rachelle
What exactly is that feeling that makes you feel depleted of your dignity, rejected and yet responsible for moving past a decision that you can’t psychologically reconcile with? Isn’t this the point when what you really need is a relationship closure?
What is Relationship Closure?
Psychologists say it involves having a relationship closure conversation and knowing the reason a romantic relationship was terminated, as well as no longer feeling emotional attachment or pain, therefore allowing for the establishment of new and healthy relationships. So how do you get closure from an ex?
Closure: Do You Need Your Ex to Give It to YOU?
As you have seen, it’s normal to want closure when a relationship ends. You will be advised by many people to try to get closure from your ex, and this can be helpful if your ex is willing to offer it in a way that makes sense for you. However, unfortunately, it’s not often the case that people get the closure they want from an ex.
Without closure, you can be left feeling that the energy between you and your ex is unfinished and be tempted to break no contact to test it.
This is almost always a bad idea, though – so let’s look a little closer at closure and how to get closure without contact or without having to rely on your ex to give it to you.
Why Do We Want Closure?
Why do we get a sense of wanting closure from a relationship? Do you even know what to say to an ex for closure? One reason could be that as humans we have the unique ability to tell stories because our sense of linear time is so strong.
We think through experiences which have a solid beginning, middle and end and most of us have grown up with books, movies and TV shows that give a sense of clear closure. The characters go through a journey and if they part it’s for a reason the audience usually understands.
We almost always get to see the characters progress as a result of the closure as well (and it doesn’t hurt that in many cases they get a ‘happy ever after’ of some kind!).
The truth is that few exes are capable of giving us the closure we want, in the way we want it. Closure could mean finding out the reasons why the relationship ended. It could mean feeling like you have reached the ‘end of the line’ with your ex. But many people aren’t brilliant at expressing their deepest emotions, and sometimes your ex won’t be able to articulate why they want the relationship over in a way that feels like closure for you. Sometimes they might give you a reason but you feel unable to accept that reason. Or they might not want to talk to you or explain themselves at all and you may even question yourself on how to get closure when there is none.
While it can be very painful not to know exactly why your ex has chosen now to break up with you (if they are refusing to speak to you), in these cases the closure you want often doesn’t come from your ex at all.
In time, when you have healed and gained enough distance, you can reflect for yourself about the elements of the relationship that didn’t work – and this will be far more effective if you do it with a positive reframing mindset. Going over the details of your relationship and exactly why it ended really is only useful in so far as it helps you to understand yourself and what areas for growth and deeper healing that you might want to address.
If you have broken up with your ex and they ask for reasons or closure then it can be kind and helpful to them to offer to speak to them once before no contact and explain why you have ended things (if you feel you can express yourself this way.) It might also help to give you clarity about why the relationship ended. However, you don’t have to have that conversation if you feel it will put your own healing back or negatively impact you. It’s up to you to choose whether you feel it will be helpful for you or not.
Gaining closure can be a minefield and won’t necessarily come from a conversation with your ex. But it IS important because it helps you to close that particular chapter in your life so you can begin to engage more deeply with the new ones that are opening for you.
How to Get Closure from a Breakup?
Ways to get closure can vary wildly from person to person, and the truth is there is probably no one single action or conversation that will get you there. Closure is almost always more of a series of realisations and acceptance as you progress through healing. It can be helpful to get the ball rolling though by creating a ritual or action that draws a line under your relationship and helps you to say to yourself that you have now entered the healing phase.
Here are a few ideas to mark your new healing phase and gain some closure:
Because fire is so cleansing, it’s really powerful to burn something that represents the relationship. This could be an unsent letter, a picture or even just your name and your ex’s name on a piece of paper. As you burn it, visualise the relationship as being truly over, and the healing and cleansing power of fire burning away the negative ties to your ex. Remember, of course, to be mindful and aware when using fire!
Leave a personal item somewhere special. This can be a really emotional, but very useful thing to do, especially if you love to be out and about in nature. If you have something suitable that represents you and your ex, then go to one of your favourite spots in nature and leave this item there. A really powerful way to complete this is to place an item in water. I had a client once who ‘gave’ a necklace that her ex had given her to the sea. She placed it on a rock and watched the tide come in. Finally, a wave took it from the rock and swept it out to sea. As she saw it leave she mentally said ‘goodbye’ to her relationship, and later reported that she had found the experience very healing and positive.
Changing something in your immediate physical surroundings can also be a powerful way to ‘show’ your energy body and subconscious mind that the relationship is over. Some people like to buy new bed covers to put on their bed, even new sheets. Or you could redecorate a room you spent a lot of time in with your ex. These steps let you know that a new life is opening for you, so choose things that will make you smile and help you reclaim your living space/bedroom.
When it’s all said and done…
Without a clear understanding of why a break up occurred, you can have an untrue and distorted view of your reality based on past-present-future view as you lose your sense of what you really are and know yourself to be.
And while this can generally be affected by your personality, style or mood, not getting closure can be a harrowing experience. It’s, therefore, necessary that you know how to get closure from a partner, in a way that will work for you.
Finding the way to give yourself closure can be difficult when doing it on your own. What if your partner is willing to talk but you don’t know how to approach it? Perhaps talking to them will derail your intentions to move forward; maybe you feel the need to contact them but don’t know how, or whether it is in your best interest. How can you be sure? This is where an in-depth session with Graham is needed. Your 60-minute private session, including 45 minutes of consultation or reading to help you discover what your next move or strategy should be, will be followed by 15 minutes healing to provide the extra holistic support you need.
If on the other hand you are sure you will get closure yourself, and just need extra help to get through the physical, emotional and spiritual realities of your situation, you could avail yourself of the 30-minute session (15-minute consultation followed by 15 minutes healing).
For anyone enduring the twin flame phenomena, the challenges of ‘no contact’ and getting closure are especially difficult, simply because of the nature of the twin experience – this is when a session with Graham, who is an expert in all the aspects of this situation, will give you insight and clarity with his gift of complete empathy that makes him the perfect guide and mentor.
These private sessions are incredibly powerful and will result in quantum leaps in your healing, personal development and vibrational upgrades – this will result in the easier and faster manifestation of romantic relationships that actually work, not to mention wealth and abundance in your career, plus many more positive outcomes.